


Crushed Comrades

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-29
Updated: 2002-07-29
Packaged: 2018-10-06 20:26:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10343931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: SPOILERS: Lines taken from various episodes from seasons 1-5. No spoilers, though. SG-1 are stuck in the commissary doorway





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Crushed Comrades

##  Crushed Comrades

##### Written by zia_nova   
Comments? Write to us at [zia_nova@hotmail.com](mailto:zia_nova@hotmail.com)

  * SPOILERS: Lines taken from various episodes from seasons 1-5. No spoilers, though. 
  * SUMMARY: SG-1 are stuck in the commissary doorway 
  * RATING: PG [HU] 



* * *

 SG-1 were sitting in the commissary enjoying a snack and each others company. After some light hearted jokes and a second helping of dessert, they decided they’d better get back to work. They were on duty after all.

 They headed for the door and attempted to exit, all four of them, through the same door, at the same time. Crunch!

**_Jack_ ** _\- D’oh!_

**_Sam_ ** _\- I’m stuck!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- I know_

 They desperately tried to wriggle free. To no avail. They soon realised they weren’t going anywhere fast. After a few muffled ‘Ow!’s, ‘Hey!’s and ‘Oof!’s Jack decided he’d had enough.

**_Jack_ ** _\- OK, stop! Just hold it right there!_

 They all stopped, slightly out of breath, and took the time to assess their situation.

 After five minutes or so, they’d managed to get wedged in even tighter. Jack was obviously loosing his patience. His frown was beginning to deepen. Carter turned, as best she could, to face him.

**_Sam_ ** _\- Sir?_

 His eyes were almost glowing like a Goa’uld’s!

**_Jack_ ** _\- If we don’t find a way out of this soon I’m gonna lose it_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Oh… you poor man._

Daniel’s ever sympathetic note was ignored. Teal’c didn’t understand.

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- I do not understand_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- I can explain that… no I can’t_

**_Sam_ ** _\- I can’t explain it either, sir_

 Jack sighed and attempted to explain his last statement…

**_Jack_ ** _\- Loose it. It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a happy meal, WACKO!!_

 …and ended up demonstrating it.

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- …I see_

 If I’m right (and as the writer I always am) Sam has an idea.

**_Sam_ ** _\- I think I have an idea, sir,_

(see, I told ya)

**_Sam_ ** _\- but a whole lot of things have got to go right in order for it to work_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Oh for crying out loud_

 Just then General Hammond came bounding down the corridor on a pogo-stick.

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Colonel O’Neill!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Oh for crying out loud_

 He came to a halt in front of his squished flag unit. Was it him, or were their faces all turning slightly blue? He stared at the dessert which covered their clothes, hands and pretty much all of Jack’s face.

**_Hammond_ ** _\- What in God’s name is that?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Pie_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Well, that’s an educated guess._

**_Sam_ ** _\- It could be_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Yoghurt_

 Hammond took a moment or two to absorb this rather amusing spectacle. He did very well not to burst out laughing. He hesitated before asking the question burning inside, not really sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

**_Hammond_ ** _\- What happened?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Well, it’s hard to say._

**_Sam_ ** _\- We’ve been sitting in the commissary for the past half hour_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- I would not have authorised that_

 Hammond wasn’t stupid. He knew SG-1 were on duty and shouldn’t have been in the commissary. At least not until they’d cleaned their rooms and done all their chores. 

**_Jack_ ** _– General, I can’t tell you how sorry we are. But, Carter wanted to stay…_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Actually, it was your idea. Sir._

 Hammond laughed to himself. They were acting just like little kids.

 Jack laughed too.

**_Jack_ ** _\- I did not._

 Yes you did

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Yes you did_

See?

**_Jack_ ** _\- No I didn’t_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Yes you did_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Didn’t!_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Did!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Didn’t!_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Did!_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Stop it!_

 Hammond gave them both a clip round the ear.

**_Jack_ ** _\- OW!_

 Daniel and Jack looked at each other, shocked at what the General had done.

**_Jack_ ** _\- What the hell did you do that for?_

 Hammond glared at the childish group. They got the point and backed down. Colonel O’Neill, after a few moments, deemed it safe to continue his explanation of what happened.

**_Jack_ ** _\- Anyway at some point_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Jack said_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Let’s go_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- And?_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- We attempted to_

**_Jack_ ** _\- To walk through the door_

**_Sam_ ** _\- At the same time_

**_Jack_ ** _\- That sort of says it all, doesn’t it?_

**_Sam_ ** _\- It’s like we’re stuck in the mud_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Without the mud_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- Indeed_

Hammond, who was now getting bored and wanted to get back to his pogo stick, started walking away. He didn’t want to be rude so he called back:

**_Hammond_ ** _\- If there’s anything I can do…_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Actually I think there is_

Dang! So close.

O’Neill turned his head to face Carter.

**_Jack_ ** _\- Really?_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Yasureyoubetcha_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Groovy_

**_Jack_ ** _\- What do we need?_

**_Sam_ ** _\- A speech writer_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Why?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- You’re asking me?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- No_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Oh_

**_Sam_ ** _\- I can’t explain it, sir_

Hammond thought he could get away by going to get a speech writer. He thought for a moment that Teal’c was a speech writer. He didn’t know why, it was just a thought. What? Sometimes people have strange thoughts, OK?!

 He headed once again for his pogo stick and nodded to Carter.

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Very well_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Are you serious?_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- No_

With the twinge of finality in his ‘no’, he picked up his stick and was about to start bouncing again when suddenly Dr. Fraiser came trotting down the corridor on a horse. I don’t know why. We all need a hobby, right?

 She gracefully leapt off the horse, did a triple axel, double backwards somersault, mid-air splits, double toe loop, quad…spin type thing and landed right slap bang on top of the General with a thud…Oh, right, sorry… THUD!

 SG-1 looked on as the heap of clothes re-emerged as Dr. Fraiser and General Hammond. Or so they thought. (If you’ve ever seen Hot Shots Part Deux you’ll know what I mean. Remember the bit with Sadaam and his dog, smashed into tiny pieces by the fire? The take off of T2?) Hammond….Fraiser…one of them, or both of them took a step forward, slipped on an iced over skateboard, fell backwards onto the floor and smashed into two separate people again. _Just-like-that!_ They both stood up and brushed themselves off and… carried on as if nothing had happened.

 Fraiser started to make her report about some tests she’d run on another SG team. She knew nobody gave two hoots about her silly report, but she thought she’d deliver it anyway.

**_Fraiser_ ** _\- Well, sir, I…_

 (That’s enough of that report. Interruption please!)

**_Jack_ ** _\- DOC!_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Help!_

 (Thanks guys).

 Fraiser only now noticed SG-1’s unusual situation, (*sigh* yes, she’s slow but she’s just become one with and separated again from Genny Hammy, give her a break!). She giggled.

**_Fraiser_ ** _\- What happened?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- We’re ahh_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Stuck_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- Ya think?!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Teal’c, you all right?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- He’s fine. He’s just ahh_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Stuck_

**_Fraiser_ ** _\- How?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- You’re asking me?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Niet_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Neit?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- No_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Ah_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Janet?_

**_Fraiser_ ** _\- Sam?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Daniel?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Jack?_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Teal’c?_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- O’Neill?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- What?_

_**Sam** \- As much as I’d love to see how this plays out don’t we have something more important to do?_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- That is correct_

**_Jack_ ** _\- What do you say we use this time to find a way out of here?_

 They all started to fidget and wriggle again.

**_Sam_ ** _\- No joy_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- So what do we do?_

Teal’c was uncertain.

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- I am uncertain_

 Just then General Hammond had an awe-inspiring idea!

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Close the iris!_

…… *cough*……

**_Sam_ ** _\- I don’t think that’ll work, sir_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Why not?_

**_Sam_ ** _\- With all due respect sir…_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Ow!_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Sorry_

**_Sam_ ** _\- You are an idiot every day of the week!_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Thank you_

 He seemed pleased that someone had finally noticed. Sam frowned, confused.

**_Sam_ ** _\- You’re welcome_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Carter, why do you humour him?_

**_Sam_ ** _\- I’m not sure, sir_

 As Jack turned to glare at Carter, some pie flung off his nose and, somehow, ended up in Daniel’s mouth.

**_Daniel_ ** _\- This is the best pie I’ve ever had!_

 Jack wondered if Daniel knew where it had come from.

**_Jack_ ** _– Well, that’s good to know_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- It is most satisfying_

 Teal’c got some too?!

**_Carey Elwes as Robin Hood_ ** _– That’s disgusting!_

 During all this pie eating, Hammond had discussed the situation with Fraiser and had come up with a better plan.

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Excuse me!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- What do you want?_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Report to the infirmary and stay there until I send for you_

 OK, so Hammond’s ideas need a little work.

**_Jack_ ** _\- uhh… General?_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Yes?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Having a hard time complying_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Are you refusing to comply with a direct order?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- I guess_

**_Hammond_ ** _– SG-1, you are trying my patience!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- I so own you!_

**_Teal’c_ ** _– Of that I am certain_

**_Jack_ ** _– Thank you, Teal’c_

**_Fraiser_ ** _\- Colonel!_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Jack!_

**_Sam_ ** _\- Sir!_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- O’Neill!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- What?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- What?_

_…_ Confused faces filled the silence... __

**_Jack_ ** _\- Get us the heck out of here!_

**_Teal’c_ ** _– Colonel O’Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves._

Hmmm…Teal’c’s oxygen intake is apparently dwindling .

**_Fraiser_ ** _\- We’ve tried everything short of surgically removing their arms_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Oh, that’s a bad plan!_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- I am inclined to agree_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Now what?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Your asking me?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- NOOOOOOO!!!_

**_Jack_ ** _\- …… OK_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- Oh I really hate it when this happens!_

**_Fraiser_ ** _\- I know_

**_Hammond_ ** _\- How?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- She’s a doctor_

**_Hammond_ ** _– Right_

Teal’c began to look glazed over as he began to grin and his head started to sway

**_Jack_ ** _\- Teal’c?_

**_Teal’c_ ** _– Yes?_

**_Jack_ ** _\- Never mind_

**_Teal’c_ ** _– Is there something you wish to say, O’Neill?_

**_Jack_ ** _– Can’t remember_

**_Teal’c_ ** _–So it would seem_

Was the pie that flung off his face and into Teal’c’s gob poisoned? 

**_Jack_ ** _–Teal’c, I’m really sorry._

**_Rothman_ ** _– Are you serious?!_

Whoa! Where did he come from?!

**_Jack_ ** _\- I don’t know_

Teal’c had had enough of Jack’s constant absent-mindedness and turned and glared at him. (Strange, they seem to do a lot of that when they’re stuck in a doorway, don’t they?).

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- Don’t talk to me again_

**_Jack_ ** _\- … OK_

There was an awkward silenced during which Rothman’s eyes slowly crossed over. Not that anyone noticed.

And Hammond, seeing that nobody noticed, decided he’d return to the subject at hand: How to remove SG-1 from their compressed…selves.

**_Hammond_ ** _\- What can we do?_

**_Daniel_ ** _\- We were hoping you could, like…beam…_

Daniel’s reply trailed off as his attention turned to Rothman who, with his glasses still on, was trying to put eye drops in his eyes. Which was strange because it was a nasal spray he was using.

**_Jack_ ** _– What’s going on with him?_

Teal’c looked on in disgust

**_Teal’c_ ** _– This is not right!_

**_Hammond_ ** _– Agreed_

**_Jack_ ** _– SHOOT IT!!_

**_Daniel_ ** _-  Don’t you think you’re overreacting?!_

**_Teal’c_ ** _\- Colonel O’Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves._

Jack was about to open his mouth in question. Instead he frowned in utter confusion. So did the rest of SG-1. So did Hammond. So did Cassandra. So did Robin Hood. So did Jacob Carter. So did Nicolas Ballard. So did every other SF on the base. So did Apophis. So did Jolinar.

**_Jack_ ** _\- …odd_

**_Sam_ ** _– Wait a minute, sir_

**_Jack_ ** _– What?_

**_Daniel_ ** _– What about contacting some of our allies?_

**_Jack_ ** _– What about the Tok’Ra or Asguard, don’t they owe us a favour by now?_

**_Teal’c_ ** _– What is you’re reasoning, O’Neill?_

**_Jack_ ** _– We saved their little grey butts._

**_Teal’c_ ** _– Colonel O’Neill is correct. Events do appear to-_

**_Sam_ ** _– Shut up_

**_Teal’c_ ** _– Very well._

**_Sam_ ** _\-   We need to get our people disconnected_

(erm… unstuck?)

**_Sam_ ** _– Right_

**_Teal’c_ ** _– A ship_

**_Daniel_ ** _– Of COURSE!_

**_Hammond_ ** _– Doctor Jackson?_

A long pause and a blank expression later, Daniel says:

**_Daniel_ ** _\- oh right! We don’t have ships. Not that kind anyway._

**_Hammond_ ** _\- Very good, Colonel._

**_Daniel_ ** _– I’m ahhh, I’m Daniel Jackson_

**_Hammond_ ** _– We knew that, Doctor_

**_Daniel_ ** _– Then why did you? –_

**_Jack_ ** _– Let it go_

Jack watched the confusion on his friend’s face turn to anger. His face went red… Then purple… Then green. Then blue. Then grey. 

**_Jack_ ** _\- …Thor?…_

 Teal’c thought O’Neill was going a bit peculiar and tried to help him by pointing out that it was, in fact:

**_Teal’c_** – _Daniel Jackson_

At this point the team (and the writer) were getting tired so Jack suggested that Fraiser and Genny Hammy just shut up and get them out. How you ask?

**_Jack_ ** _– Dig_

 So they grabbed an emergency shovel hanging behind the door. Hammond made a mental note to find out who would put an emergency shovel in place of a fire extinguisher and why as they began to dig SG-1 out of the doorway.

The first shovel was full of Teal’c’s arm. Second shovel full was Daniel’s leg. The third shovel full, and arguably the most painful, was that of Jack’s head.

 When they’d managed to free various limbs belonging to various team members they put the shovel down. Fraiser grabbed one of   Jack’s and one of Sam’s arms while the General grabbed hold of Teal’c’s and Daniel’s arms.

**_Jack_ ** _– On three._

Everyone braced themselves. Doc Fraiser and General Hammond each braced a leg against the wall ready to pull SG-1 free.

 Not the most agile of Generals, Hammond began to topple as his leg began to ache.

**_Jack_ ** _– One…_

Daniel winced as Hammond tightened his grip on Danny-boy’s wrist. It wasn’t in preparation for pulling them out. It’s just that Hammond was beginning to loose his balance. It was taking so long and Jack was only now getting ready to say two!

**_Jack_ ** _\- …two…_

He couldn’t take anymore! General Hammond toppled backwards onto his padded toosh, dragging with him a horror stricken Daniel, a no-longer-stoic-but-screaming-like-a-school-girl Teal’c, snagged onto an if- I’m-right- this’ll-hurt Sam for support, who in turn yanked her hey-I’m-only-up-to-two Colonel, who crashed, most un-gracefully into a yay-they’re-out-oh-no-I’m-crushed Doctor Janet Fraiser.

  After a moments recovery Jack sat up from among the rubble that was his workmates and looked around. Everyone had all their limbs intact and apart from a possibly bruised botty belonging to the General over there they all seemed to be fine. 

 So they were free at last and despite being overjoyed that he no longer had a doorframe imprinted on his shoulder, or a Major taking up residence in his armpit, Jack turned to glare at the good doctor and Hammond.

**_Jack_ ** _– I said on three_

**~end~**

  


* * *

  


> AUTHOR'S NOTES: I thought it would be fun to write something in which the characters can only say things that they have already said in the episodes. They’re only allowed to speak lines from the show. And this fanfic is what happened as I toyed with the idea. Many thanks to Emma and Bryony, and Raven and Raven for beta-ing and Bryn for his ever supportive, critical attitude. Wanna archive?  
> Just ask. Feedback? Yasureyoubetcha!

* * *

> DISCLAIMER: July 18, 2002 Nu-uh. Not mine! Just borrowed them. No copyright infringement is intended. No money exchanged hands. And I don’t have any money anyway. Being sued is bad for my health. My doctor says so. As does my bank manager.

* * *

  



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